You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
where are my eyebrows?
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