I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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