i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
