Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
