I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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