I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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