his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
