Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
