The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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