uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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