First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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