im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You're like the curious george of whores
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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