The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
