i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
