It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
