The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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