i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Dick very happy bro
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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