Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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