I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
there is glitter all over my balls
Just puked most of my soul out..
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