I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
