Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
