the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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