I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
