hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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