He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
