I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
