im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
