Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
