I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
