Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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