Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
