If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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