Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
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