Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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