I can text with my tongue
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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