the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
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