Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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