Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
