I think I died a long time ago.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
