There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
