I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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