I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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