On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
