Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
