I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
