ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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