So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
