its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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