i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
