dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
